


Sometimes, it’s better to be alone

by NotfunnyDean (IronEyes)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel has only eyes for dean, Crying Dean, Dean Needs A Hug, M/M, So he runs, but he thinks Sam and Castiel are dating, dean is in love, making dean jealous, sam has a bit fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-22
Updated: 2019-02-22
Packaged: 2019-11-04 00:23:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17887973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IronEyes/pseuds/NotfunnyDean
Summary: When Dean discovers, that Sam and Castiel are in a relationship, he does the right thing. He runs.





	Sometimes, it’s better to be alone

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there :)
> 
> This was for a little challenge on tumblr. The prompt was: “Sometimes, it’s better to be alone, nobody can hurt you.” from Hercules. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it!

Dean always thought about the bunker as his home. From the first second, he felt good here. He had his own room. Sammy was always near him and even Castiel visited them a lot.

But lately…

Lately he feels like a stranger in his own home. Castiel is a lot more often in the bunker the last weeks, but he isn’t really talking much to Dean. He only seems to visit Sam.

“Nah I’m telling you, I love it.” Sam says from the kitchen and he seems really happy about something. At first Dean believes he is on the phone with someone, but then he hears a voice that visits him in way too many dreams.

“Thank you Sam. I’m glad to have you.” Castiel answers and he sounds a bit embarrassed, but Dean can also hear the smile in his voice. This soft voice seems to be reserved for only Sam these days. 

“Same Castiel. I wouldn’t know what to do without you.” Sam says quietly and Dean squeezes his eyes shut. Sam deserves this. His little brother deserves to be happy as well. Dean should be okay with this. He should be happy for Sam. He really should.

“Morning.” Dean mumbles quietly and goes over to the stove. He needs a real good breakfast now and if Sam and Cas want to have secrets, they can have them somewhere that is not his kitchen.

“Hey Dean.” Sam says easily before he gets up, not without squeezing Castiel’s shoulder once. Dean doesn’t even answer his brother and he knows it’s … childish. Yeah but he thought Sam knew that Dean has some feelings or whatever for his angel. 

Apparently he was wrong about that. Or worse, Sam doesn’t care. Castiel isn’t even an angel anymore. It’s mostly Dean’s fault and he hates himself enough for all three of them. But he can’t stop to think about Castiel as an Angel, because for him, he still is. Even without his mojo.

“Hello Dean.” Castiel says, when Sam is out of the door. Probably for his shower. Dean just nods and starts to search for ingredients in his fridge. He could make pancakes. Yeah maybe that would help the sour feeling in his mouth.

“So anything you are doing today?” Dean asks when he puts his pan on the stove. He should have some chocolate chips somewhere, too. 

“Yeah, actually Sam and me want to go to his little farmer market.” Castiel announces happily and Dean turns around to him. Castiel’s smile is breathtaking, even though it’s not for Dean.

“Oh that sounds like fun.” Dean quietly says, when he turns back. He’s never been to a farmer market and he is sure it’s not really his thing, but for Cas? He would do anything. Sam however loves farmer markets. 

So yeah Dean can understand why Castiel prefers Sam. They are much more alike. Where Dean loves a good fight in a hunt, Castiel and Sam do more of the research. They both love to go out for walks or ...apparently farmer markets.

Dean loves to sit on his damn bed and watch netflix. He loves fast food and would probably die for pie. Castiel and Sam love all those healthy green things. Since Castiel fell and is human, he eats burgers too. But he always goes back to the healthy stuff. 

“Yeah I can’t wait to go there! I heard they have so many different kinds of honey.” Castiel explains excited and Dean sighs quietly. He should’ve bought Castiel some honey the last time he went grocery shopping. 

“Do you want to eat something before you leave?” Dean asks and Castiel shakes his head at him. Dean tries to ignore the ache in his chest.

“I already ate with Sam. He made us a fruit salad and he even remembered that I don’t like pears.” Castiel says and Dean nods again. He knew that, too. Since Castiel is human, he tried a lot of stuff and Dean tries to memorize everything he likes and hates.

“Okay cool.” Dean says and he is already finished making his pancakes. He sits down to eat them and looks at Castiel. He can’t help it. He always stares at him. 

Castiel isn’t look back at him, instead he is reading over a newspaper. That gives Dean the idea, that he could actually look for a new hunt. Maybe there is something near them and he could look alone at it.

“Cas?”

Dean wants to roll his eyes. He doesn’t even have ten minutes alone with Castiel. Sam is dressed up. Dean nearly chokes on his pancakes, when he sees that Sam is actually wearing a nice suit and has his hair in a ponytail. 

“I’m ready Sam.” Castiel says and at least he isn’t overdressed. He wears just some jeans and an old shirt from Dean. Normally that would at least make Dean smile, but not today. He doesn’t know what to say.

“Perfect. Dean? Don’t wait up for us. I wanna take Castiel out somewhere.” Sam says and he alreadys grabs the keys for Baby. Dean doesn’t even blink. Castiel puts the newspaper away and gets up to follow Sam.

Dean swallows dryly, when he is alone.

Sam takes Castiel out. His brother takes his angel out. Dean swallows again, but it feels as if there is a lump in his throat.

Dean gets up and opens the fridge again, to get out a beer. He doesn’t care that it’s only 10 am. He doesn’t care about anything. 

 

*

 

Hours later, Dean does care. Or at least his body does. His head is hurting like hell, the lumb in his throat is still there and he feels as if he needs to puke.

Dean sits outside of the bunker and it’s already dark. So instead of doing the right thing and looking for a hunt, he is sitting here miserably and drunk. Just perfect. Maybe Castiel and Sam wouldn't even come home. Maybe they would search for a tiny motel and…

Dean shakes his head, but that makes him dizzy. He doesn’t even hears it, when Baby drives into their garage. Dean just sighs loudly and lets himself fall backwards into the grass. He isn’t even sure what he is doing here outside.

“Dean?”

 _Oh._ Dean closes his eyes, that sounds a lot like his angel. Dean always liked his voice. It’s so deep and when he is worried about Dean, it sounds even better. Dean sighs happily.

“What are you doing here?” Castiel asks and now Dean realizes that this isn’t a dream. No, Castiel is really standing there. Frowning down at him. Dean makes himself a bit smaller. _Oh great._

“I was out and drinking and yeah…” Dean says, because he can’t say that he was crying over his lost relationship with Castiel right? But now Castiel seems really angry. Dean doesn’t understand.

“Really?” Castiel huffs and Dean shakes his head. But what is he supposed to say? 

“Sleeping?” Dean tries but Castiel is having none of it. He holds his hand out and Dean takes it, groaning. Sam is standing behind Castiel and he seems angry, too. Dean doesn’t really care. He checks his surroundings. 

“Why are you back already?” Dean says and Sam huffs annoyed.

“Apparently to save your sorry ass from freezing to death.” Sam says and he already turns around to walk back to the bunker. Dean sees that he even left the door open before. Oh maybe he is more out of it, than he thought.

“We tried to call you a few times and when you didn’t answer we left early.” Castiel admits quietly and Dean’s eyes widen. He destroyed their date, without even being there? He feels even more like crap now.

“Cas. I’m sorry.” Dean tries, but Castiel just shakes his head. Sam is banging the door loudly and Castiel sighs. He still helps Dean back to the bunker and even into his room. Dean falls onto his bed and sees his phone. It’s blinking with a dozen messages. 

“Do you need help?” Castiel asks and he sounds so disappointed in Dean. He hastily shakes his head and presses his face halfway into his pillow.

“Y-you have to believe me Castiel! I’m sorry.” Dean says again, but Castiel is already halfway through the room.

“Of course, Dean.” Castiel says before he shuts off the light and leaves. Dean waits another few minutes, before he hears voices again. Maybe Castiel would at least sleep in Sam’s room. Dean sits up again.

He just wishes…

Dean shakes his head. No. He would not cry over this. Sam deserves someone like Castiel. And Castiel...deserves everybody but Dean.

Where the fuck is his bag?

 

*

 

“What are you doing here all alone, Sweetheart?”

Dean looks up at the woman and then huffs. He can’t even sit here and drink himself to death, without someone speaking to him every two seconds. 

It’s been a shitty month since Dean ran away. Or drove away. He couldn’t leave Baby there. Still he had thought he would feel better with being away from the two lovebirds. Instead he feels worse. 

He misses Castiel. A bit more with every day. 

“Sorry. Not interested.” Dean mumbles and holds his hand up for the bartender. He needs another beer. He checks his new phone, but of course there are no messages. He doesn’t even have any contacts in there. 

When the new beer arrives, Dean hisses at bit, when he takes it. The lastest hunt was not an easy one and Dean is pretty hurt from that damn ghost. Still in the end he killed it once and for all.

“Dean?!”

Dean jerks at the voice and spills the beer all over himself. Dammit that was his last shirt. He gets up and looks around. And fuck. There is Sam standing in this shabby bar, looking very angry.

“Uhm.” Dean says and he looks around for another way out. Sadly he can’t find another door, only the one to the toilets. 

“We were searching for you for weeks!” Sam says, when he comes closer and he already grabs Dean’s arm. Dean winces, because fuck it’s still bruised badly. 

“Stop! Sam!” Dean says, while his brother shoves him out of the bar. Outside is Castiel leaning against his damn pimpmobile. Dean wants to cry and he tries to get out of Sam’s hold.

Due to his bruised arm and the last five beers, Sam is way more stronger than him. Just his luck of course.

“Dean!” Castiel says and he sounds a bit angry too, but mostly relieved. Dean kinda wants to run over to him for a hug. He doesn’t do anything in the end. 

“What are you doing here?” Dean hisses and finally Sam lets go of his arm. Dean takes a few steps away from his brother. He is pretty sure that if he would try to run, Castiel or Sam would stop him before he makes it over to Baby.

“We were looking for you. What are you doing?” Sam says and his bitch face is on a whole new level. Dean would be impressed, if it wasn’t directed at him.

“I wanted to be alone.” Dean says and he sounds like a teenager. Oh god. Sam grunts at that and Castiel frowns at him.

“Why did you want to be alone?” Castiel says quietly and when Dean looks at him, he sees that Castiel is more sad than angry. He looks...he looks as if he didn’t sleep the last weeks and his eyes are so dark. He can see the hurt in his angel’s eyes. Dean swallows.

“I… I needed… I wanted…” Dean stutters, but he doesn’t know what to say. Should he maybe just congratulate them on their relationship? Dean isn’t sure how honest he can sound when he says it, but maybe he has to try.

“You wanted to be alone? Normal people stay in their room for a day then. They don’t drive through half the country and hide.” Sam says and Dean nods. He knows that he isn’t exactly normal. 

“Like I said, I wanted to be alone and I don’t appreciate you following me.” Dean snaps at Sam and he takes a few steps back. Maybe he could still make it to Baby, without spilling his feelings here and being even more embarrassed.

“Dean.” Castiel says again and the pain in his eyes is so clear, that Dean looks at the ground. He never meant to hurt Castiel. Hurting Castiel was the last thing Dean wanted. He had thought Castiel and Sam could concentrate more on each other, without him between them to ruin it. 

“S-sometimes it’s better to be alone. Nobody can hurt you.” Dean whispers and this time the first tear already falls down to the ground. Dean doesn’t look up, when the next tears fall. Embarrassing.

That’s what he is. _Pathetic._ Crying in a parking lot, just because he got rejected. Dean rubs his hand over his face, but the tears don’t stop. He tries to cry at least quietly, but even that doesn’t work. 

“What are you talking about? Who is hurting you Dean?” Sam asks and this time he sounds mostly shocked and a bit afraid. Dean shakes his head again. He doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t want Sam to feel bad for dating Castiel.

“It’s o-okay.” Dean presses out, but he isn’t even sure if they can understand him between all those tears. 

Dean gasps quietly, when somebody pulls him into a warm hug. Since Dean is being able to press his face against the other ones shoulder without standing on his tiptoes, it’s Castiel who is hugging him. 

“I never saw you cry before.” Castiel whispers quietly and Dean tries to take a deep breath, but now he is only sobbing even louder in Castiel’s trench coat. He even curls his fingers into the fabric. 

“S-sorry.” Dean stutters and Castiel doesn’t seem angry anymore. Instead he even puts one of his hands in Dean’s hair and strokes it lightly. Dean jerks a bit, when somebody else takes his free hand. Sam.

“Dean talk to us. Who is hurting you? Why do you need to be alone?” Sam asks carefully and even he seems to be worried about Dean’s sudden outburst. Even though he saw how Dean had wept, when he came back from hell. Dean sniffles and shakes his head. He can’t tell them.

“Do you think whoever is hurting you, will hurt us, too?” Castiel whispers and Dean shrugs. What can he say to that? 

“I don’t want to intrude.” Dean mumbles finally. He isn’t sure that they actually understood what he said, but with the way Castiel jerks, they did.

“Intrude?” He asks and Dean nods against his neck. If he could he would stay forever like this. 

“You and Sammy.” Dean says quietly and Sam pulls his hand away. Dean makes the mistake to look up at that. Sam is still gifting him with a bitch face. Castiel is frowning.

“Me and Sam? I don’t understand.” Castiel says and he looks to Sam for answers. Dean knows his brother would figure it out any second. Sam shakes his head and sighs. Dean actually doesn’t want to hear him say it.

_‘Dean, Castiel and I are together now.’_

But maybe...it would help him to get over it.

“You are so stupid, Dean. I can’t believe this.” Sam says and Dean wants to apologize again, but just as he opens his mouth, Sam holds his hand up. Dean stays quiet.

“What the fucking hell makes you think Castiel and I are together?” Sam says through clenched teeth. Dean furrows his eyebrows. Now he is the one, who doesn’t understand anything apparently.

“Uhm...you were always together and whispering and...you went to the market together. You took Cas out for a date back then? Remember?” Dean says and he licks his lips. Didn’t it work out between them? Maybe the date went bad.

Without Dean destroying it.

Dean would have expected anything, but not that Sam starts actually to laugh. Castiel isn’t laughing, but he also doesn’t seem as confused anymore. Sam even throws his head back, as he starts howling. Dean frowns harder.

“This is the best thing I heard all year.” Sam presses out between his laughter and Dean can’t believe they share the same blood. Idiot.

“Sam wasn’t taking me out on a date.” Castiel mutters quietly, while Sam goes over to Baby and leans against her, only to laugh again. Dean looks back to Castiel. They are still standing close together.

“No. We went to the market to get some honey and fruits. I told you.” Castiel says and Dean nods. Still, he knows what he heard.

“He said he took you out.” Dean says and Castiel smiles a bit. He takes Dean’s hand in his and then looks back to Sam. 

“Good, maybe I was trying to make you jealous Dean. But I didn’t know you would drink yourself half to death and then run away.” Sam says and he finally stopped laughing. Dean glares at his brother. 

Castiel looks at Sam as well. Apparently they can now communicate without talking, because Castiel nods once and then looks back to Dean.

“Get into my car.” Castiel says and without another thought, Dean does. He just sits down and waits for Castiel to start the car. Normally he hates to drive with other people and he even leaves Sam alone with Baby. 

But he really wants to be with Castiel now. They drive for almost two hours and Dean is nervous the whole time, but it doesn’t seem like Castiel wants to talk.

“Where are we?” Dean asks, when they stop and Castiel gets out of the car. They seem to be in a small forest in the middle of the night. There are a lot of trees around them, a little lake to their left and they are in the middle of a flower field. Only the moon is shining down on them.

“This is where I wanted to take you out. It’s where I pulled you out from hell.” Castiel says and Dean takes a step back, as if Castiel’s words burned him.

“What?”

“You see Sam and I were planning this for days. I wanted to drive here with you and have a picnic. That’s why Sam and i even drove to the farmer market. I wanted it to be special.” Castiel says quietly and he sighs.

Dean is not sure what if should say. He really thought Castiel and Sam were… but instead. Dean feels like he needs to sit down. As if Castiel can read his thoughts, he offers him a blanket and Dean sits down on it.

“You wanted to take me out on a date?” Dean asks and he carefully strokes over the blanket. It’s very soft. He was never on a picnic. Maybe when he was really little, Mary took him to one, but he can’t remember. 

“Of course, Dean. Who else would I love?” Castiel says so straightforward, that Dean is speechless for a few moments. He got it all wrong and he...he totally fucked this up. He could’ve had this and instead he run away.

“I’m sorry.” Dean mutters quietly and Castiel sits down next to him. Dean carefully scoops a bit closer, but he isn’t sure if he is really allowed. Castiel smiles a bit, nothing like his bright and beautiful one, but still it’s a smile.

“I have to say it’s quite amusing that you think I would date Sam, but still i was very worried the last weeks. I thought you had found out and didn't want me.” Castiel admits and Dean shakes hastily his head. 

He wouldn’t fuck this up again.

“I... I have a crush on you for eh...years.” Dean finally says and it is as if someone took a huge weight from his shoulders. Dean relaxes a bit. Castiel’s smiles this time is bright and adorable. Dean wants to kiss it.

“I’m glad to hear that, because what do you humans always say? Same?” Castiel says and Dean has to laugh at that. Castiel uses that moment to shut him up. In the best way possible. 

He kisses Dean softly. Just once, before he leans a bit back. Dean could stare forever in his dark eyes. But he actually wants another kiss.

“Do that again.” Dean whispers and he hasn't even finished his sentence, when Castiel kisses him again. This time Castiel carefully presses against him and puts his hands on Dean’s glowing cheeks. 

“Dean.” Castiel whispers quietly between their kisses and somehow Dean ended up on his lap. Castiel is grinning widely.

“I love you.” Dean says, because it’s true and he can’t hold it back anymore. Castiel’s answer is lost in their next kisses, but Dean knows it anyway. Castiel loves him. Not Sam. 

“Never leave me like this again.” Castiel says quietly and he strokes over Dean’s cheek. Dean can’t believe he ran in the first place. How could’ve he been this stupid. 

“I promise.” Dean answers and he presses his hand over Castiel’s heart.

“So how about this picnic?” Castiel grins and before Dean can answer Castiel gets up and takes a small basket out of his car. 

“It’s the middle of the night.” Dean says but he isn’t really protesting. He actually loves this a lot. Castiel just smiles and then puts an arm around him. Dean grins. He can’t believe he ever wanted to be alone.

“I always knew our first date would be special, but this is just...extraordinary.” Castiel says and Dean laughs, before he reaches for the basket on the blanket. 

“I really hoped that we would find you today and Sam told me to pack at least a bit, but it’s not much.” Castiel says and Dean laughs when he sees there is mostly just chocolate in the basket.

Then he finds a small bowl with fruit and gives that to Castiel. Of course not without taking the pear out first.

“Sometimes it’s better to stay where you are.” Dean whispers into the quiet night. And he would stay exactly where he was. In Castiel’s arms.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [tumblr](https://notfunnydean.tumblr.com)


End file.
